Those pesky teens

Its been an eventful week. Nothing i want to go into detail with but I will share about one thing that God has been doing. I went to service on Sunday night at 7pm and they were doing baptisms during worship. Which i had never seen but thought it was pretty awesome. And while watching them i was getting teary eyed and some tears were falling because it dawned on me. I really miss what I had. I miss the youth. I miss talking with them. I miss listening to their issues. I miss walking with them in this journey called life. I miss their smiles. I miss their mischief (some of it not all). I miss their innocence. I miss their complaints. I miss being their Pastor.
Don't get me wrong, I always loved that part of pastorship, just being with the kids and loving them. I was just tired of the behind the scenes stuff...the paperwork, the long hours, the at all hours phone calls, the sacrifices. And I feel like i took my time with the kids for granted.
I admit, I don't do good in big crowds. I get socially awkward, I don't know how to talk to people when theres a ton of people around. When I'm not comfortable, I shut down. And because of that I missed out on some important lives. And I don't want to do that again.
I want to be with the youth, I love them. I passionately love them and want to see them strive for more. I want to see them go for their dreams. I want to be there when their heart is broken and when they get married. I want to see them in their prom dresses and in their graduation gowns. I want to be there on their birthdays and celebrate with them.
I don't know why i have this drive for them. I would say it comes from God, because there is no other logical explanation. But I love them and i miss them so much. I want to baptize them. I want to take communion with them. I want to pray over them.
God has been so faithful in my time here. Its funny because I never thought God would be so clear with me, even when it hurts. And He has and I am so grateful for His love and mercy over me. Its just absolutely incredible.

I know...I believe...I see...I feel

It is said here that the first year of college God tears you down, than in the second year He lifts you back up. I think its a bit faster for me. For me its been since the moment i started school God has been tearing me down. And when i say tearing me down I don't mean like thrashing me in a bad way, but in a good way. He has been showing me what affects me, what I am sensitive to, what offends me, what drives me, what gets me angry, what makes me happy, what i want and absolutely do not want. I can sit here and list out the things that God has been doing and what events He has allowed to happen to get me to this point...but i won't.
What I will say is that all these things have led me to so many even too many disappointments. And not disappointed in God, but to the point where God is forcing me to run to Him first. Not my friends nor my family, but Him. These past couple days have been disappointment after disappointment and the very people i would run to are the very people that have been disappointing. Which leads me to run directly to God. And its not like its a bad thing, its just sad that people are sometimes the way they are and I want to think highly of them. I want to have the deepest faith in people, i want to put people on a pedestal because i think some deserve it and once you do they fall off of it all on their own. God does say that He won't allow things that we can't handle and sometimes i think i can't handle this, but God surely thinks i can. Its hard too because i have emotions and i want to express them...but i often have to hold it in because there are people constantly around me. And the moment they see something wrong they want to be in your business and know your deal. But i just want to deal with my deal the way i want to without people asking a million questions. But like i said God won't allow things we can't handle.
(i'm wiggling my finger at God)
I know...I believe...I see...I feel that there is light at the end of this tunnel. This tunnel that i feel i have been in for so long. I know...I believe...I see...I feel there is more to life than just disappointments, hurt, longing, and tears.
I know...I believe...I see...I feel Gods love pouring all over me, holding me, using me, being there for me.