Can I have and do it all please?

I started reading again after a long hiatus. I was reading a book "Unmerited Favor" by Joseph Prince and i only got through the first chapter. Don't get me wrong, its a good book, but I just wanted more. I wanted more juice, more flavour, more to challenge me. The book i read before that one was "I'll have what shes having" by Bobbie Houston, and that was a good quick read. Now I picked up "Can I have and do it all, please?" by Christine Caine. That is a book for women and showing women the importance of their place in life. So its not exactly theological or anything...but its been refreshing in showing me that I don't need to try to fit my foot in Cinderellas slipper.
Let me explain...
I'm a bit different. Not weird (well sometimes) or kooky, but I'm different. I'm quiet, yet loud when I'm comfortable. I'm a leader when I'm passionate, a follower when again I'm not comfortable. I can talk about separate issues, yet stay very quiet and just ponder on certain things. I'm not huge on confrontation yet I'll push people to do it in certain situations. Heck, Sean's only heard me fart once in the 10+ years I've known him!
People have prophesied over me (more than once) that I'm a peace-maker, others have confirmed to me that I'm this quiet and sometimes lonely person, on purpose. That God had made me this way...it was ordained.
There have been times when I have felt cursed for this. I would think that I sinned a thousand too many times to be able to have that group of "friends"...you know those people who you can be your very self...even the parts that annoy others...and they still love you. I never had a Monica, Rachel, Phoebe, Joey, Chandler, or Ross in my life. Do i yearn for it? of course...will it come? I hope so.
So now I'm reading this book and Chris Caine is talking about how its just time to stop trying to be someone else. Stop trying to pick up other women's habits. Just be the one that God created you to be. I don't have to be the best cook for a man to love me. I don't have to be the best singer to be a worshipper. I can still my "all" as long as I am who God created me to be. And I want to marinate in that. I don't have to pretend that something is funny to laugh, its ok to not laugh. Its ok to not always be the leader and its ok to take control in situations. I can say my opinion without feeling stupid. And no one has the right to make me feel stupid. God is my creator and Father. He is my friend and King. He is my Saviour and Lord. He tells me who I am and that's who I will be.

Front Runner

I know I haven't written anything in about a month and its not like things haven't been happening or anything. I think i just wanted a clear understanding of what God has been doing lately. So my initial thinking when I came to Hillsong college was for me to rest from the ministry. I wanted to not be a leader for awhile. I wanted to be a follower, just be a face in the crowd. I wanted people to start teaching me and me not be responsible for others. I wanted to be a baby again. But that isn't supposed to happen. I was a baby once and now I'm a grown up. I grew up. And not only physically, but spiritually as well.
While being here things have changed...relationships, friendships, feelings, hopes, dreams, things that i thought i wanted have changed. Things that i thought would last forever were challenged and some crashed and burned while others continue to flourish. As a leader I have to go through those things. I have to see those things that will last in my life so in turn I am able to lead others. And for a long time I didn't want to lead others. I didn't want to be responsible. And I knew I was running away from it and I was ok with that.
But just when I wanted to run away God corners me...and not in a "I'm bigger than you ha-ha kind of way" but in a "what do you think you're doing? this is who you are" way. People here have been telling me that I need to start a connect group I kept giving excuse after excuse. "No..i don't want to lead anything" "No...I'm tired" blah blah blah. Than just when I thought I was out of the clear I start helping a ministry...help lead with a couple other people. I didn't think I was until one day I found myself taking over things...naturally. I knew the trap was set into place. Than just last week I got offered to lead a ministry...not even something that I've been a part of...not a ministry that I've spent time in...I'm not even close to the person who is head of it. They just knew I was a pastor and I'm experienced...but I'm experienced in my church...not hillsong! I was thinking "they let just ANYONE lead ministries"!!! But the truth is...at least the truth that i think is the truth is that God is setting me up. Not in a "you can't move and your trapped" set up, but a "you're a leader and I will put you in leadership roles until you believe that you're a leader" set up.
Am I mad? Not at all. Am i afraid? A little. (but you were a pastor for 4 years...why are you scared?) Because even in my leadership roles I was always behind someone...and with this i would be the front runner. And I believe this is why God brought me here...to be a front runner.
So...tomorrow I'm having a meeting with the girl that's over the ministry and we're gonna see if I'm game. And this week I'm gonna start praying about leading a connect group and want God to open doors for me. I know this is what God wants because this is a way to disciple people and grow the church and that's what God wants from his people.
So to be continued....

Those pesky teens

Its been an eventful week. Nothing i want to go into detail with but I will share about one thing that God has been doing. I went to service on Sunday night at 7pm and they were doing baptisms during worship. Which i had never seen but thought it was pretty awesome. And while watching them i was getting teary eyed and some tears were falling because it dawned on me. I really miss what I had. I miss the youth. I miss talking with them. I miss listening to their issues. I miss walking with them in this journey called life. I miss their smiles. I miss their mischief (some of it not all). I miss their innocence. I miss their complaints. I miss being their Pastor.
Don't get me wrong, I always loved that part of pastorship, just being with the kids and loving them. I was just tired of the behind the scenes stuff...the paperwork, the long hours, the at all hours phone calls, the sacrifices. And I feel like i took my time with the kids for granted.
I admit, I don't do good in big crowds. I get socially awkward, I don't know how to talk to people when theres a ton of people around. When I'm not comfortable, I shut down. And because of that I missed out on some important lives. And I don't want to do that again.
I want to be with the youth, I love them. I passionately love them and want to see them strive for more. I want to see them go for their dreams. I want to be there when their heart is broken and when they get married. I want to see them in their prom dresses and in their graduation gowns. I want to be there on their birthdays and celebrate with them.
I don't know why i have this drive for them. I would say it comes from God, because there is no other logical explanation. But I love them and i miss them so much. I want to baptize them. I want to take communion with them. I want to pray over them.
God has been so faithful in my time here. Its funny because I never thought God would be so clear with me, even when it hurts. And He has and I am so grateful for His love and mercy over me. Its just absolutely incredible.

I know...I believe...I see...I feel

It is said here that the first year of college God tears you down, than in the second year He lifts you back up. I think its a bit faster for me. For me its been since the moment i started school God has been tearing me down. And when i say tearing me down I don't mean like thrashing me in a bad way, but in a good way. He has been showing me what affects me, what I am sensitive to, what offends me, what drives me, what gets me angry, what makes me happy, what i want and absolutely do not want. I can sit here and list out the things that God has been doing and what events He has allowed to happen to get me to this point...but i won't.
What I will say is that all these things have led me to so many even too many disappointments. And not disappointed in God, but to the point where God is forcing me to run to Him first. Not my friends nor my family, but Him. These past couple days have been disappointment after disappointment and the very people i would run to are the very people that have been disappointing. Which leads me to run directly to God. And its not like its a bad thing, its just sad that people are sometimes the way they are and I want to think highly of them. I want to have the deepest faith in people, i want to put people on a pedestal because i think some deserve it and once you do they fall off of it all on their own. God does say that He won't allow things that we can't handle and sometimes i think i can't handle this, but God surely thinks i can. Its hard too because i have emotions and i want to express them...but i often have to hold it in because there are people constantly around me. And the moment they see something wrong they want to be in your business and know your deal. But i just want to deal with my deal the way i want to without people asking a million questions. But like i said God won't allow things we can't handle.
(i'm wiggling my finger at God)
I know...I believe...I see...I feel that there is light at the end of this tunnel. This tunnel that i feel i have been in for so long. I know...I believe...I see...I feel there is more to life than just disappointments, hurt, longing, and tears.
I know...I believe...I see...I feel Gods love pouring all over me, holding me, using me, being there for me.

Human trafficking

Have you ever had the moment when God has said "How.Dare.You." I've never had that moment until today. Yes I've sinned and really sinned before. And I keep on sinning sometimes extremely stupid things and sometimes i don't even know i'm sinning. But today was like an ah-ha moment. A moment that hasn't stopped since i had that moment (a couple hours ago). I saw a video today about human trafficking and it lit a fuse...I say fuse because I already had a fire in me about this particular subject but now its just stirring in me. I want to do something. I can donate money and all that but i want to do more. I want to educate people, help women, rescue children, want to be at the right place at the right time. But I have realized the first thing I need to do is pray. I am so naive and ignorant to think that i want to do more than prayer...but what is more powerful than prayer? Nothing.
Well lets just say I am doing my research on this subject and I don't want to stop learning because I want to be educated on this. I want to be smart about this, I want to help. But I need to pray. I want to pray. I want you to pray.
Did you know that Chiapas, Mexico is one of the worst places for child prostitution...Mexico!! And the US is one of the leading places that take in human slaves! It breaks my heart in a million pieces that i cannot even explain. My eyes are burning, my heart is burning, my soul is burning and i just feel numb now. I don't even want to do anything right now...Just talking about it gets me crying, i can't even think about it without tearing up...i can't even write about it without tearing up. Just know it got me really good. And its really hard to not think about how little things...jokes, words, what ive seen, watched, done could have participated in this. It kills me. Emotionally kills me. Please, if your reading this...study this. Read on this. Do something about this. Pray with me. Pray with us. Let this affect you.

Facebook 101

Today has been an eventful yet a little boring day. I didn't really go out much today, when i did go out it was to workout at the gym which i havent done in quite a while, and i need to do more of it cause i've gained way too many pounds and i want to look good! So couple things I did today that were significant: 1. I skyped with Ronnie today! It was cool than a little sad...he grew out a little mustache and beard (not a fan) and it was just a little sad because of all the changes that have happened and it was kinda cool that i really made a difference in Urgency. He was telling me that things just weren't the same when i left and sometimes you think if things would be better if you weren't even there, but i realized that things were good when i was there and i did make a difference. *sigh I also made a video for Charlton and Cindy because this will be their last weekend at Urgency...so that was pretty cool
2. I skyped with my sister and sean, and its always nice to see family. I got to see the latest picture of Noah and in about 5 days he will be here and i will get to see him!! woohoo!! I'm so excited...i will be more excited when i will get to hold him!
3. I called United Airlines and tried to get my returning ticket fixed. So my return is on October 3rd (which is kinda funny cause its my dads bday...surprise!) but I was talking to the lady who kept on messing up what i was saying and at first she said that i could change my ticket to Dec 15th and i asked if there was anything sooner and she said no so i said ok, i'll come back on the 15th than she said oh no we don't have until Dec 27th!! I'm like...um NO! Not acceptable!! but she was like but theres nothing available..I said well i'll call back another time and I hung up on her...i was so mad!! grrrrrrrrrrr So I called my mom to see if she can call from there cause maybe they'll give her better service.
4. So i try not to be facebook police...but when it comes to teens and i know their parents, lets just say i gave someone a ticket today. I feel kinda bad, but not really because the person is not even using their real name on fb and the stuff they write is just not what a 15 yr old should be writing and i knew their parent didn't know anything about this. So i called the mom today and spoke to her, and she was really cool about it, like wanting to find the right time to speak to her kid about it...which made me feel better...but i still felt bad. But come on!! Don't write stuff on fb if you don't want people to find out!! Hello!! Facebook 101!
So besides those stuff i've kinda just lounged out today..being a home body doing my home thing. The next couple days are gonna be pretty hectic so i wanted to just chill and do much of nothing. Mission Accomplished.

Colour

There are times when time goes by super fast than it goes super slow. Lets just say these past few weeks have gone by really fast! And its good cause it seems like i've actually done stuff. We just had Colour Conference, Hillsongs annual womans conference. There were 10,000 women here for this conference and lets just say it was hectic at times. I was allocated to the information desk, you know answering questions all that good stuff. And I have many wins and i gave out tons of information but there was this one lady that was pretty annoyed with me. (why is it that there is always that negative ONE that we always remember) well she had priority seating and i didn't know what door she needed to go through so all i said was "let me ask" and she was like "no thank you i'll just ask around" and she left pretty annoyed. Than after she came straight to me and was like "its door 4" and i wanted to be like...yeah, so! but i just gave her a smile and said "yup! thanks"...that may have gotten her a little more annoyed, but oh well!
But now for the good stuff...So, Lisa Bevere, Jeanne Mayo, Christine Caine, and Craig Groeschel were the special speakers and it was a powerhouse! I was blessed to be able to go into the sessions I wanted to and it was so amazing. Lisa Bevere spoke about being a Lioness and pouncing on the enemy...I bought the book. And Christine Caine, WOW. There is this fire in me for human trafficking and stopping it, and i want to so bad to get involved in a program...A21 maybe but she was so passionate about that she lit a fire in me, it was amazing.
Even though Colour was pretty tiring, i got through it and was so happy i did it. I even got included in the video they made for the volunteers! It was so cool...