Can I have and do it all please?

I started reading again after a long hiatus. I was reading a book "Unmerited Favor" by Joseph Prince and i only got through the first chapter. Don't get me wrong, its a good book, but I just wanted more. I wanted more juice, more flavour, more to challenge me. The book i read before that one was "I'll have what shes having" by Bobbie Houston, and that was a good quick read. Now I picked up "Can I have and do it all, please?" by Christine Caine. That is a book for women and showing women the importance of their place in life. So its not exactly theological or anything...but its been refreshing in showing me that I don't need to try to fit my foot in Cinderellas slipper.
Let me explain...
I'm a bit different. Not weird (well sometimes) or kooky, but I'm different. I'm quiet, yet loud when I'm comfortable. I'm a leader when I'm passionate, a follower when again I'm not comfortable. I can talk about separate issues, yet stay very quiet and just ponder on certain things. I'm not huge on confrontation yet I'll push people to do it in certain situations. Heck, Sean's only heard me fart once in the 10+ years I've known him!
People have prophesied over me (more than once) that I'm a peace-maker, others have confirmed to me that I'm this quiet and sometimes lonely person, on purpose. That God had made me this way...it was ordained.
There have been times when I have felt cursed for this. I would think that I sinned a thousand too many times to be able to have that group of "friends"...you know those people who you can be your very self...even the parts that annoy others...and they still love you. I never had a Monica, Rachel, Phoebe, Joey, Chandler, or Ross in my life. Do i yearn for it? of course...will it come? I hope so.
So now I'm reading this book and Chris Caine is talking about how its just time to stop trying to be someone else. Stop trying to pick up other women's habits. Just be the one that God created you to be. I don't have to be the best cook for a man to love me. I don't have to be the best singer to be a worshipper. I can still my "all" as long as I am who God created me to be. And I want to marinate in that. I don't have to pretend that something is funny to laugh, its ok to not laugh. Its ok to not always be the leader and its ok to take control in situations. I can say my opinion without feeling stupid. And no one has the right to make me feel stupid. God is my creator and Father. He is my friend and King. He is my Saviour and Lord. He tells me who I am and that's who I will be.

Front Runner

I know I haven't written anything in about a month and its not like things haven't been happening or anything. I think i just wanted a clear understanding of what God has been doing lately. So my initial thinking when I came to Hillsong college was for me to rest from the ministry. I wanted to not be a leader for awhile. I wanted to be a follower, just be a face in the crowd. I wanted people to start teaching me and me not be responsible for others. I wanted to be a baby again. But that isn't supposed to happen. I was a baby once and now I'm a grown up. I grew up. And not only physically, but spiritually as well.
While being here things have changed...relationships, friendships, feelings, hopes, dreams, things that i thought i wanted have changed. Things that i thought would last forever were challenged and some crashed and burned while others continue to flourish. As a leader I have to go through those things. I have to see those things that will last in my life so in turn I am able to lead others. And for a long time I didn't want to lead others. I didn't want to be responsible. And I knew I was running away from it and I was ok with that.
But just when I wanted to run away God corners me...and not in a "I'm bigger than you ha-ha kind of way" but in a "what do you think you're doing? this is who you are" way. People here have been telling me that I need to start a connect group I kept giving excuse after excuse. "No..i don't want to lead anything" "No...I'm tired" blah blah blah. Than just when I thought I was out of the clear I start helping a ministry...help lead with a couple other people. I didn't think I was until one day I found myself taking over things...naturally. I knew the trap was set into place. Than just last week I got offered to lead a ministry...not even something that I've been a part of...not a ministry that I've spent time in...I'm not even close to the person who is head of it. They just knew I was a pastor and I'm experienced...but I'm experienced in my church...not hillsong! I was thinking "they let just ANYONE lead ministries"!!! But the truth is...at least the truth that i think is the truth is that God is setting me up. Not in a "you can't move and your trapped" set up, but a "you're a leader and I will put you in leadership roles until you believe that you're a leader" set up.
Am I mad? Not at all. Am i afraid? A little. (but you were a pastor for 4 years...why are you scared?) Because even in my leadership roles I was always behind someone...and with this i would be the front runner. And I believe this is why God brought me here...to be a front runner.
So...tomorrow I'm having a meeting with the girl that's over the ministry and we're gonna see if I'm game. And this week I'm gonna start praying about leading a connect group and want God to open doors for me. I know this is what God wants because this is a way to disciple people and grow the church and that's what God wants from his people.
So to be continued....